NJ Moms Retrospect: Childless Vacation

Author's Note: Looking for another childless vacation and I still don't feel guilty.
May 18, 2009
Should I Feel Guilty For My Childless Vacation?
My name is Jennifer and I enjoyed my childless vacation. This is my story...
For as long as I can remember, I have loved to travel. Whether it be down the Jersey Shore for a lazy week at the beach or exploring the cobblestone streets of Florence, there hasn't been a vacation I've met that I haven't loved. Even the journeys with lots of mishaps and outright mayhem, like getting apprehended in Prague for riding the subway for free (so much for honoring the honor system) and breaking an antique bed in Block Island, have gained me some of my favorite and funniest memories. So when my son Benjamin came into this world, I made my husband promise me we wouldn't stop traveling with or without Ben.
My husband Wally has made good on his promise. In Ben's two short years of life, we've taken him to Maine, North Carolina and the Jersey Shore with little to no trouble. However, when it came time to book a trip to celebrate our 10th Anniversary Wally started to hedge on his promise. Feelings of guilt started to creep in and he suggested that we take a weekend trip to Vermont with our son instead of a romantic rendezvous in Italy. This mom, wife, anniversary celebrator and traveler was not okay with that suggestion. Instead of the joy I find in planning a vacation, I found myself crying big giant tears and asking my husband, "what happened to us? why are you making me feel guilty for wanting to go away alone with my you?"
After my impassioned plea, Wally took me to Vermont without Ben where we rode in a field of freshly fallen snow in a one-horse open sleigh and ate decadent Vermont-made cheeses by candlelight. Before we left Benjamin for his first overnight at his grandparents, I got to feeling "the guilts." Was Wally the better parent because he wanted to bring Benjamin on our romantic getaway? Should I feel guilty for wanting to go away without my son? To be honest, a little bit of me felt like I was a bad mom for leaving my son for the night to have an indulgent weekend with my husband but mostly I felt okay about our decision. Is that wrong?
Flash forward a few months later, Wally suggests we have a proper anniversary trip one that lasts more than a couple days, and without hesitation I say yes. While planning again, I catch myself thinking, "should I feel guilty for wanting to vacation without my son?" But, the guilt isn't present. Even when friends and colleagues give me the standard line when I mention the childless trip, "oh, you're not bringing Ben." Translation: "oh, you're one of those mothers." Maybe that is paranoia or maybe that is actual guilt but my answer is always, "yes and we'll miss him but I can't wait!"
During my six days in paradise, I cried when I left my son (it would be my longest time away from him); I thought about him every single day; I talked about him a lot finding myself saying, "Wally wouldn't Ben just love this? We really need to bring him here"; and I missed him like crazy. However, I also didn't cry the whole time I was away; I didn't think of him every single moment of every single day; I didn't talk about him all the time; and I didn't feel guilty about it. Maybe you think I am selfish or a terrible mom for these things but the person that matters most got a mom back after those six days that was rested and over-the-moon with happiness to see him. Yes, Ben got a better mom in the end and, to me, there is no reason to feel guilty about that. Isn't that what vacationing is about?
This is an original post for New Jersey Moms Blog. You can also find Jennifer writing about other guilty and non-guilty things at The Kamienski Chronicles.

NJ Moms Blog Retrospect: Can I ask Apple, what were you thinking?

Author's Note: Upon seeing this on the news, I immediately wrote a post. The post was later cross-posted to all our sister sites.
April 23, 2009
Can I Ask Apple, What Were You Thinking?
Dear Apple,
I thought I might have been hallucinating this morning when I was watching the news but low and behold I was not. Some how, some way your company approved (oh yes let me be fair...then pulled) an application for the iPhone that allows you to shake a baby to a virtual death or the "Baby Shaker" app as it is fondly referred to. Even writing this can you believe the colossal mistake you made? Normally, I think you are a pretty alright company - one of the "good guys" if you will - but after this debacle I'm not really sure what to think.
Can you give me a little insight into how this came about? Were you sitting around a room considering new apps and your team started proposing programs like: "Decaying Animal Gallery" and "Run Over Old Ladies' Skills Game." Did you say, "no way how could we ever promote an application that would show dead animals or an opportunity to run over old ladies crossing the street that is completely insensitive and insane, but shaking babies to a death this I LIKE! Tell me more..."

I'm sure someone or some animal thought this was hysterical. Let me tell you if you were wondering - it is not fun or funny it is just plain wrong. I think you got that notion eventually because you did pull the app. But when the proposed shaken baby idea came up you said, "yeah, we got an app for that." Can I provide you with a statistic about shaken baby syndrome? According to the Web site and organization About Shaken Baby Syndrome, more than 1400 cases are reported each year and 1 out of every 4 babies dies of from being violently shaken. As for the other 3 babies in the statistic, they are left with life altering injuries.
Apple, here is my suggestion for a new application, "The Sensitivity Meter." This application judges whether or not someone is being sensitive to other human beings. Might have been a better choice don't you think? You got that?
This is an original post for New Jersey Moms Blog. When not ranting and raving on NJ Moms Blog, Jennifer can also be found writing on The Kamienski Chronicles.

NJ Moms Blog Retrospect: The Real Housewives of New Jersey...Fuggadaboutit

Author's Note: This post was mentioned in a Star-Ledger article about NJ Moms Blog. Oh yes, the Housewives of NJ are in their second season and Dina has left the show. To me it is unwatchable and I love trashy TV.
April 15, 2009
The Real Housewives of New Jersey...Fuggadaboutit
When I hit my thirties my bed time started to get earlier and earlier, now throw in a 2 year old and demanding PR job, I never get to watch the late shows anymore. However, I made myself and husband to stay up until 11 and watch the sneak peek of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. How could I resist my biggest guilty pleasure - reality TV - combined with my favorite state - NJ? Talk about special occasions! No matter what I had to do that night, this "real housewife of NJ" was watching her some trashy TV. While not disappointed one bit by what looks to be the best Real series yet, I want to make sure anyone living outside of New Jersey gets a few things straight about Garden State Girls.
First, we aren't all Italian. While yes many of us do come claim roots in the boot-shaped country, including myself, we don't all have grandparents we call Nonna and Nonno. In fact, New Jersey is a real melting pot of cultures. On any given day, walking through a town in New Jersey, you can find people with ties to China, India, Russia and yes Italy.

Second, I have never uttered the phrase "fuggadaboutit" in my life until I wrote this post. I even had to google it to see if I was spelling it right. If you watch shows like Sopranos or now Real Housewives of NJ, you would think that it might be a New Jersey baby's first word. Wrong. I actually don't know many people that utter that phrase. Come to think about it - I don't know anyone that says that phrase.
Another point I would like to make about New Jersey Housewives, all of our husbands aren't entrepreneurs in the construction business. Don't get me wrong there are plenty of "entrepreneurs" in our fine state, and yes, I have dated men in this line of business who were very nice. However, I ended up marrying a guy who works at an accounting firm not an owner of a sanitation company.
Some of the women in New Jersey tend to wear their hair bigger than most (not much bigger than TX) and have longer, more bedazzled nails, but there are women here that have straight hair and short nails. There are also housewives who prefer the JCrew look to the Bebe look. While we all don't look or act alike, there is one thing for certain that I think I can say about most REAL housewives of NJ -- we don't really give a shit what people from other states think about us. Big hair or bob - Italian or Polish - accountant or entrepreneur -- whether it be big and brash or gentle and quite, we all have an attitude and love it.
This is an original post for NJ Moms Blog. This real NJ housewife can be found blogging at The Kamienski Chronicles.

NJ Moms Blog Retrospect: Church, Children and Praying for Survival

Author's Note: While Wally as carrying Benjamin up to communion, Ben said, "hey, Daddy that wasn't so bad."
April 05, 2009
Church, Children and Praying for Survival
Whatever religion you may practice and how ever many times you bring your child to a religious gathering each year, whether it once a year or each week, I think most parents would agree it is not an easy task to undertake. From the "getting ready" part or as it is known in some houses "convincing them to go" part to the actual attending, I sometimes find myself praying for divine intervention at some point during the church going process. However, I don't recall that I was ever a problem for my parents. Maybe they will say something different if asked but I don't think they will since I was the four year old who brought the baby Jesus to the manager at Christmas Eve mass and sat and talked to the priest about my love of God. I was also the teenager who decided to become a lector where I read the scriptures each week to the congregation. I can go on and on but needless to say I was the kid that liked/loved to go to church. I still kind of do but now I have a two year old in tow and that changes the whole experience.
On the other hand, take my brother, his behavior bears more of a resemblance to that of my two year old son Benjamin's attitude towards the church. I can remember each week it being a Battle Royale to get my brother to go to church -- the crying, screaming, stomping, threats and cage match before we got in the car (there wasn't really a cage match but it sometimes felt like it). My most vivid memory was when on Easter Sunday he decided to lock himself in the bathroom at the age of four so he wouldn't have to go. My Father, the world's most tolerant and gentle man, literally busted down the door. The next thing you knew my brother was peeing in his pants. My Mother, of course, yelled out my Dad for scaring her "baby". By the time my family hit the pew, we were all exhausted. He was not only bad getting there but in church I recall him once screaming out during Christmas Eve mass, "MOM when are we leaving for Aunt Lorraine's I want my Tub Time toy!" Yes, my brother turned it up a notch for the holidays.

Now I have a son of my own and I can relate to my Mother more than ever. I am left to wonder how she did it all these years. When my son was a baby, he sat in the carrier like an angel sent from heaven. As he got older, the problems started when he was more mobile. Not only did I need my diaper bag but I needed an arsenal of distracting supplies to keep him occupied. The problems got increasingly worse as he became verbal. One day as we sat in church, my son kept pointing towards the back of the church. It was starting to annoy me because he knew how to speak at this point. I said, "Ben use your words." He used his words alright, "OUTSIDE Mommy! OUTSIDE!" I must have heard "OUTSIDE" about a few more dozen times. My husband leaned over and said to me, "are you happy he used his words?"
Our next big mass disaster came on Christmas Eve. The church was packed to the gills and there was no where or way to really entertain Ben. The outside chant began as soon the homily started. He then started screaming and crying and there was no where to go but outside. I looked at my husband and told him to take him home and just come back to pick me up. I gave up. I just couldn't - I got the knowing faces from all the mothers surrounding me. As the church lights were dimmed and Silent Night began to play, I cried and this time not out of joy but out of exhaustion and defeat. After that, I decided to give God a break for a while.
We started to go back to church again because my parents didn't give up on teaching their kids the importance of church and neither was I! I was pleasantly surprised what a few books and snacks could do to make a kid happy. While we don't make it all the way to the end, it gets better each week. I now leave mass telling Ben what a great boy he was in church. While I know there are set backs, like this week he told me to go to church by myself with Daddy that his Grandma and Poppa would watch him, I believe that every child needs a sense of community in their lives. I'm glad my parents gave it to me and I plan, as much of a battle as it may be, to give that gift to my child. So if you find me praying really hard in mass it might not be for world peace right now but just for peace in my pew.
This is an original post for NJ Moms Blog. You can find Jennifer Kamienski praying for all sorts of things at The Kamienski Chronicles.

NJ Moms Blog Retrospect: A Question of Faith?

Author's Note: I still believe in a compassionate God.
Stem Cell Research: A Question of Faith?
The ban on stem cell research has been overturned and I am left to ponder what this means. Being someone who is of good standing faith, a catholic who is supposed to believe that this is morally wrong, I'm not so sure I agree with my church. I am also someone who has had embryos frozen and knows that indeed a frozen embryo can give life, a precious child you so desperately want, so I do see the moral dilemma here that many people are struggling with today.
However, let me say, that my church also condemned me for having my child the "way" I did. As I stood in a Newark church, a church that was known for a statue that if prayed at this church by this statue it would help you conceive, I was asked by a priest how I was conceiving this child. I stumbled a bit (and yes lied to a priest) and told him what he wanted to hear so he would give me a special blessing. Because he had doubts of my sincerity, he gave me the speech of how God wants me to conceive a child, and let me say, it wasn't the route I was headed.
On the way home that day from the church in the pouring rain, I cried my eyes out. I was completely torn inside and questioned my moral judgment. I was tortured thinking that if I was able to conceive I would have a child that would be eternally condemned. After days of soul searching, I came to the conclusion one night that I believed in a God that wanted me to have happiness that wanted me to give life whatever way that may be. I didn't believe in a God that because I couldn't have a baby the traditional way I shouldn't have one and I should be left to suffer. My God is a compassionate God.


So here I sit today pondering another moral question, should stem cell research be allowed? Maybe a year ago I might have felt differently but I doubt it. You see, a year ago my father was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. My Father's life has changed for ever and everyone around him -- a man so full of life and energy, a man so fiercely independent that a worse disease couldn't have been given to him even if asked. At this time, he is struggling with giving up a little bit of his independence and letting the one's who love him take care of him. I admire my Dad for his strength, courage and wisdom but it breaks my heart to see him so angry and frustrated so often. I also see what it has done to my Mom and see my usually tough as nails Mother be reduced to tears so often too.
As I sat in church on Sunday and listened to all the reasons, why not. I could only think of the reason why - I saw a cure to the pain. I thought of all those frozen embryos that would never give life that would just be discarded and what type of good moral decision is that? I thought if I had one frozen embryo left from all my cycles that I never planned on implanting, I would give it to some brilliant scientist looking for the cure for PD in a heartbeat.
What I came to is this, for me, using a frozen embryo is not destroying life -- it is just the opposite -- it is giving life back to someone. Maybe I am taking the easy way out and bending the rules to suit me? Maybe I am not a good catholic? However, I keep coming back to my belief that my God is a compassionate God. And for me, coming to that conclusion, let's me sleep soundly and gives me hope that we will find a cure to PD and many other diseases giving life back to those who so desperately want it.

NJ Moms Retrospect: Rookie Mistakes

Author's Note: I continue to make rookie mistakes. I also still consider myself a rookie.
Rookie Mistakes
When I was pregnant, as I sat in the OB/GYN's office, I often found myself reading some sort of parenting or pregnancy magazine. While waiting, I thought I should get a few lessons in on parenting before this child came into the world since I didn't have much of a clue of how to raise a child. A regular feature that struck me in Parents magazine was a column called "It Happened To Me". Basically, it would feature a mishap. Wait, let me rephrase that a HORRIBLE accident caused by a parenting mistake where children often ended up in the emergency room. As I read these stories with horror about falling Christmas stocking hangers that caused a toddler's concussion and infants tumbling off changing tables left with bruises, I thought, smugly, how could that ever happen. I mean I wasn't an expert in this area and self-admitted that the maternal gene might have skipped a generation but come on these parents were obviously not as cautious as I was going to be. In a nutshell, I surmised that I was at least going to be a much better parent then the the ones featured in Parents magazine. Yes, I gave myself the kiss of death.
Think of most professional athletes in their rookie season, they have that swagger like nothing bad is going to happen to me. They believe they are invincible and in many ways they are impervious to the rules of the world. As we all know, having that attitude can be dangerous not only to yourself but to others. While I didn't exactly have a swagger, I did have the attitude that if I was cautious and careful (the two Cs) no "It Happened To Me" accidents would plague my son. However, there comes a time when every rookie makes a mistake. Mine came in the form of Murphy's Oil.

Up until the Murphy's Oil incident, I had free and clear track record when it came to my son Benjamin having accidents in my presence. Not bad if I do say so myself for a child who is almost 2 years of age. Maybe my cockiness got the best of me or maybe it was the fact that I had just called out my Mom and husband for Benjamin having a few incidents on their watches. Whatever it was, my world was about to turn upside down with one misplaced bottle of wood floor cleaner.
In an effort to keep my house clean (I really do need a maid), I decided while Ben was occupying himself I would clean my wood floors. When I turned around to retrieve the mop, I turned to find my son drinking Murphy's Oil. How could I let this happen? I had no idea what would happen next. Would Ben turn blue? Would he stop breathing? Would he start vomiting uncontrollably? What did I do to my precious son? After several phone calls to Poison Control and a visit from the cops and paramedics, I found out that Ben would live. In fact, the worst that would happen to Benjamin is that he might be a little sick.
I now know mistakes, accidents and mishaps are a good way to bring you back to reality and kick that swagger right out of your step. While I confessed to my husband that I had made a colossal mistake on my watch, I knew that I owed a big apology to all the "It Happened To Me" Moms. So here goes...Hi, my name is Jennifer Kamienski and I too am a 'It Happened To Me" Mom.

NJ Moms Retrospect: Multiple Mania and Irresponsible Doctors

Author's Note: While not my most commented, this is one of my favorites. This still makes me angry.
January 31, 2009
Multiple Mania and Irresponsible Doctors
I am a veteran of the "infertility war". I happen to know way too much about the topic of reproductive endocrinology. Having gone through, years of testing, several surgeries and multiple cycles, I think I have the right and knowledge to comment on the irresponsibility of some fertility doctors. I also have the right because I was fortunate enough to go to two clinics, one a highly-regarded regional facility and the other arguably the best in the world, where the doctors educated their patients on such risks and instituted policies so incidents like the California 8 would not happen.
Trust me I know how you can get caught up in the world of fertility. Your emotions takeover and you think, "sure putting 12 embryos in my uterus is a great idea!", but at that point you aren't thinking of the consequences you are just so desperate to have a baby you will consider anything. However, this is where a responsible doctor needs to step in and counsel their patients. While at "arguably the best fertility clinic in the world," I was told right off the bat even though I had a "difficult case" they would only consider putting two maybe three embryos in at one time. So let's put this into perspective, I am a woman who has not yet had any children - I didn't have the luxury of 6 others waiting at home for me. I am, at the time, 34 years old - not 30. I have stage 4 endometriosis and damaged fallopian tubes, basically I need a miracle, and all the clomid in the world isn't helping me. How does the California 8's doctor in his right mind let this happen when my doctor would only put in up to three embryos?!?!?

I do understand that she didn't go through IVF like I did but when you are on drugs like Clomid, once again, a responsible doctor will monitor follicle production and will cancel a cycle if there are too many being produced to avoid a situation like this. Here is the other thing when you are using a sperm donor you don't necessarily need to be on Clomid. Why in this doctor's right mind did he give a fertility drug to a woman who is clearly fertile?!?
Reproductive medicine has some voodoo and ethical questions constantly surrounding because of negative stories like the CA octuplets and it is unfortunate. At times when I didn't want to hear it, I was blessed to have responsible doctors on my side giving me proper guidance, outlining the risks involved. I read a quote from a doctor saying, "who am I to say how many children a women should have. maybe she wanted a big family?" Maybe she does but P.S. she already HAD ONE! While I know doctors can't tell you what to do and they are not their to judge how many children you should and shouldn't have, they can help you come to a responsible decision one that keeps the mother and unborn children safe. My hope is there are more doctors out there like my wonderfully brilliant and responsible reproductive endocrinologists.